A Zen Wounded Warrioress
As a child, I liked art because I felt I can ask hard questions, I was a curious and inquisitive one thrown in the middle of a war-torn country. Art allowed me to contemplate the answers and not have to speak to anyone. I can just go through it all while I create and draw something with emotion, precision, and vivid colors. It was a creative, contemplative process. Through many trials and errors, through many failed attempts I never once stopped trying to improve my artistic skills and understanding. I never wanted this precious thing called art, to turn into a black hole I run away from. Yet that is exactly what happened to me a few months ago.
The last painting, I finished was November 2019 Since then, my arms have not been able to see me through anything. You see I had lots of questions. I was flying like a leaf inside the tornado of life, I had little control and wanted a way out. When I found my way out I experienced a freefall so drastic that it crippled me and just now started learning to walk again, spiritually speaking.
I questioned everything, my beliefs, existence, purpose, relationships, I asked many whys, I asked many whys until I can no longer answer or ask why anymore.
You stop sometimes and examine yourself from afar, and you ask it, where, why and when?
What is acceptance, what do we have to accept exactly? accept ourselves, our flaws? Accept our mistakes? our impatience? accept that we were blind?
But now you see, you see clearly, the blindfold has been lifted, and you have a choice.
A choice to truly examine the value of things, the value of the true treasures in our world.
While we all have different worldly endeavors, we all are products of our environments and upbringing, wounded children in adult forms walking around looking for safety.
We are all ultimately searching for safety, in the form of money, a lover, possessions, making big families, having lots of friends, and many other unexplained behaviors.
You see, if humans had recognized that source dwells within, then humans can utilize this power to harness their true heart desires. We are what we think. We become what we think about most.
We are made of light; we allow our wounds to dim this light and cloud our way. Traumas bring gifts. We can sit with our hurts, and wounds have tea and a conversation. However, just like a thoughtful guest, they must eventually leave after we receive the lesson.
Everything happens for a reason, scientists haven’t figured out our souls yet but mystics, gurus, spiritual teachers who have walked this earth had a deep insight. Believe or don’t believe in a god. Believe or don’t believe in an entity. You can’t argue we are created or made by something much bigger than us, with higher intelligence, something we can’t comprehend. Yet, humans are smart, and many have figured out the connection we have to the spiritual world. The contrast in our experience forces us to choose, between numbing that nagging call inside our cynical being to connect with the source or sit still, dwell and go on a painful journey filled with (why's) inward and experience source energy.
But wait! Don’t we need the contrast? Don’t we need conflict? So, we can know what it is that we want and what is it that we don’t want?
Some of us, have the courage to walk away after first having the courage to immerse themselves in a drastic conflicted experience or a life choice. A situation where you experience things in contrast and opposite to what your core beliefs are. This allows you to truly and confidently decide which road to take. The less walked, longer, harder road with eyes wide open and a clear conscious. Or take the short road, blindfolded and inner self-tied?
I personally enjoy long walks, I enjoy the views, so I want my eyes open, I want a stable ground and I am at peace and full acceptance of my inner self.
Oh, and I will paint again soon, only death will stop me from painting, this was just a little blip in the humor of my humble existence.